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Do Evangelicals Dream of Electric Toasters? | Sex – Part 2


Let’s return to the list of teachings I mentioned earlier regarding sexual sin, which were -

 

·       Don’t have sex before marriage

·       Don’t masturbate

·       Don’t look at porn

 

There are consequences to doing these things, but the church elevates sexual sin above all other sins. There are negative consequences to doing these things, but there are negative consequences to all the sinful things that we do.

 

Having sex before marriage might affect you in some way emotionally, but so can not having sex before marriage, and so can having sex within marriage. It isn’t black and white. Having sex before you are married, whether with a previous partner or your future spouse, doesn’t mean that your future marriage is cursed, and having sex before marriage shouldn’t black list you emotionally. I have friends who were sexually promiscuous in their teens, who ended up being vicars and pastors. They are good people who love Jesus, and who love their families. Their sexual history hasn’t prevented them from serving God. I know plenty of other people who had sexual partners before they got married, who have great marriages, but I also know plenty of people who waited for marriage before they had sex, whose relationships didn’t last.

 

Masturbating has its own consequences, by doing it you may well be indulging in lustful thoughts and objectifying people, but you don’t need to ‘spank the monkey’ to do that. It’s natural for people to have sexual desires, it isn’t wrong to have these urges. If you ‘head to Devon for a cream tea’, then it doesn’t mean that your marriage will be doomed, it doesn’t mean that you are a bad person, and it doesn’t mean that you are a lesser person in God’s sight. I’ve been present in more than one prayer meeting where a young guy has felt compelled to seek prayer for “an issue”, and has then sheepishly explained to everyone, that they have been secretly ‘buttering their carrot’.

 

Each time I have been in those situations it has been mortifying, and the shame of the confessor has been excruciating. I’ve desperately wanted to say to them, “Do you think there is anyone here who doesn’t sometimes ‘give themselves a hand’? None of us are proud of doing it, but it’s not a big deal. I’m sure that you lie sometimes, you’re probably dishonest, you probably ignore homeless people who ask for money, you probably lose your temper with work colleagues, we all do these things and we aren’t proud of them, but no-one is making a big deal about them. We all sin, and what your describing is just another short coming that we all have as imperfect humans, just add it to the list and try not to do it, along with everything else that you try not to do”.

 

Looking at porn isn’t morally great. Aside from the fact that porn objectifies people, in the same way masturbation and other behaviours do, the porn industry isn’t known for treating people well, it can be exploitative and damaging, and by consuming porn you are supporting that industry and its practices. This is arguably a more serious reason why you shouldn’t look at porn, but there are many industries which are unethical in similar ways. Fashion retailers use sweatshops where employees are forced to work in dangerous conditions for next to nothing, but it doesn’t stop Christians from shopping at their outlets. The meat industry is unethical in how it treats animals, and for the impact it has on the environment, but Christians aren’t rushing to become vegans. The Christian Music industry has been found to be exploitative and damaging to its artists, but Christians still happily consume the rubbish music released by those Christian record labels.

 

I’m not saying that you have a free pass to do all these things, but if it is something you fall into, then give yourself a break, and if it is becoming an actual addiction that is affecting how you live, seek help from a trained sexual health professional, not from well-meaning Christians who are ultimately unqualified to advise on matters of sexual health.

 

When it comes to the other minor topics mentioned in the last post, perhaps the only one that is worth preaching against is committing adultery. People cheating and having affairs can tear families apart, and does untold harm to people. If the church actually did some decent teaching on this, then maybe there would be less scandal within churches, and maybe even some church leaders would practice what they preach, and stop thinking with their cocks.

 

As for preachers teaching how often you should be having sex, and what type of sex you should be having, it’s none of their business. If you want to ask your vicar or church leader for sexual health or relationship advice, then that’s fine if you want someone’s opinion and you trust them, but just know, unless they are trained in that area, whatever they say is only ever going to be their personal take on the matter. Every relationship is different and you can have great relationships that are full of sex, and great relationships where you don’t have any sex at all, penetrative or otherwise. Sex doesn’t complete your marriage and it isn’t the be all and end all in a relationship. As long as you love your spouse, that is the main thing. Your marriage isn’t based on how good, or how regular the sex is.

 

If you attend a church with your partner, who you aren’t married to, but who you are committed to, I don’t think you should be excluded from doing certain things within the church. There could be any number of valid reasons why you aren’t married, and the church shouldn't automatically deem that your relationship is as being inferior. Being married doesn’t mean your union is better or stronger. Research shows that on average 35% of Christian marriages end in divorce, compared to an average of 36% in the secular population, which isn’t a great sell for the institution of marriage. In some studies, people have even found that Christians are more likely to get divorced, compared to non-Christians. It’s almost as if marriage doesn’t make any difference. A religious marriage ceremony doesn’t mean that your relationship will automatically be successful. Just because you are a Christian, doesn’t mean that a blessing on your marriage will make it stronger. Being married doesn’t prevent the drama within the church when people separate, or when adultery is uncovered. Marriage works because of love, respect and compassion. It works because of commitment to one another, not because you’ve gone through a special ritual. If you don’t act like a selfish, inconsiderate idiot, then your marriage will probably be good, regardless of your faith.

 

I think it’s important that the church teaches about relationships, and as Christians we should try and take the bible seriously in what it says about sex. I think that the teachings of Jesus are sound, and I think it is probably better for people if they don’t have multiple partners, that they are faithful in their relationships, and that they probably don’t have sex outside of marriage. But I also don’t think Jesus would, or does respond to sexual sin in the same way the church does. This is demonstrated in beautifully in John 8.

 

The church has descended into a hysteria over sexual sin, and it needs to get a grip. Sin is serious, but even in the Medieval church, the sin of lust was considered the least of the seven deadly sins, whilst pride was considered the worst of the cardinal sins. Most Christians now wouldn’t bat an eyelid at someone who is proud and vainglorious, but would probably react completely differently towards someone who was addicted to porn or having sex before marriage. I can guess why Christian attitudes towards sexual sin are heightened and excessive, but regardless of whether those theories are valid or not, the church needs to take a breath and think about what it is saying and how it’s communicating.

 

By teaching that sex is the most important thing within a marriage, and that marriage is the only real way to be in a healthy relationship, I believe the church is trying to help people, but there has to be a better, more thoughtful way. Surely it would be better to teach people how to love and respect each other, instead of disrespecting people by telling them that they and their relationships aren’t good enough. Christians shouldn’t be compelling people to get married, simply because it is the biblical ideal, or because of an expectation. Surely, it’s better to support people in all their relationships, and to help and guide them through difficulties that might come up, accepting that some relationships aren’t right, and dealing with any relationship breakdowns in a grown-up way? Compelling people to marry one another isn’t going to stop teenagers from fooling around, it isn’t going to stop people from having sex outside of marriage, and it isn’t going to automatically change people’s attitudes. The churches teachings about relationships should be focused on loving each other, being considerate and being open. If we do that, then the way we behave towards other people, inside and outside of our sexual relationships will follow.

 

Without love, kindness, respect, forgiveness, patience and all the other things that make a relationship strong, marriage is empty, it’s a hoop to jump through, and so for that reason, I wouldn’t look down on someone who was ‘living in sin’ or having sex outside of wedlock. My hope for anyone in a relationship, would be that it was grounded in love and that there was a willingness for those involved, to work in making their relationship stronger. Maybe that is a more achievable hope for the church, and it’s definitely less ridiculous than some of the things it’s currently teaching.

 

 

Text taken from “Unanswerable: Exploring the Complexities of the Christian Faith and Biblical Truth”, which is available from Amazon, and from all good book shops. An audiobook is also available at https://mindmole.bandcamp.com/music

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