The Divine Vision of St. John of Bongiovi | Prayer – Part 2

I’d like to share a strange testimony with you, which relates to this, to prayer and my beliefs, and my doubts around it. I’ve never been able to share this story with anyone, maybe by the end of it you’ll see why, this is a genuinely true story though, and I promise that I’m not making anything up.

 

I’ve struggled with anxiety throughout my whole life. I was an anxious child and this was probably compounded by my mum’s illness, trauma from bad church experiences, my parent’s divorce, and hundreds of other factors that have impacted me since then. Over the years I received prayer for my anxiety to be healed, but nothing ever really happened. Over time things got better or they just worked out, and whilst I was thankful to God that my anxiety improved slowly over time, and that I was kept from any serious mental health problems, I never saw this as an answer to prayer, because I knew this to be true for lots of people who have never prayed, and who didn’t believe in God. There just didn’t seem to be anything miraculous about it. There have been times when I have been in the throes of anxiety because of stuff that was happening at work, or worries about my health, and I sought prayer, hoping for some kind of immediate relief in the situation, but I have always had to ride it out, take medication, have counselling, just like any normal, non-believing person.

 

I went through a period of my life where I was dealing with intense anxiety, and it felt like I was constantly seeking prayer for healing, but then after a while, tired and disillusioned, I just stopped asking for healing because nothing ever changed, and hoping for a miracle that never came, just made things worse. I was convinced that miraculous healing just wasn’t that common a thing. I believed that it did happen, maybe for people who were super Holy, but I also believed that some of it had to be psychological. I became quite cynical and stubborn in my belief about healing, and came to the conclusion that if healing was something that God only did for people with minor ailments, like slightly achy legs, or sore backs, then I wasn’t interested. I figured that my anxiety would just have to be controlled with therapy and medication when it was needed, and maybe that was how God was healing me, through the miracle of modern medicine and innovative counselling techniques.

 

Part of my anxiety had developed around sickness and fear of death, and for a while I had been putting off going to the doctors over a breathing problem I had. At the time, I had seen an ENT consultant, who had told me that I had nasal polyps, which were basically skin growths that were blocking my airways. I was told that I’d need surgery but to try some sprays first, just in case they worked. The sprays didn’t work, but I also decided not to follow up with the doctors. I was able to cope with the issue and I didn’t think the surgery was worth it, plus I was terrified of going under the knife. Ten years later though, it came to a point where I couldn’t breathe through my nose, it constantly felt irritated and when I had a cold it was unbearable. My wife encouraged me to go to the doctors again, and this time they explained that it wasn’t actually nasal polyps, and that I had a deviated septum, that the inside of my nose was wonky. I was told that the only fix was surgery and so I was sent to the hospital and was booked for the operation.

 

I was terrified of having surgery and was fixated on the idea that I would either wake up mid-operation in excruciating pain and covered in blood, or that I would die on the operating table. Even though I knew the chances of these things happening were extreme, I couldn’t get them out of my head and I just kept spiraling, and so one Sunday before the surgery, despite my doubt, I asked for prayer for my nose to be healed, and for God to supernaturally straighten my septum, so that I wouldn’t have to suffer the anxiety of surgery. During the ministry time at the end of the service, I went to the front and explained what I wanted prayer for. One of my friends started to pray for me, and as he did so, I felt my nose begin to clear and I could breathe through it. I wasn’t too excited because sometimes this did happen, but it only ever lasted for a minute or two, but as he finished praying for me, my nose was still clear and I was a little taken aback. He asked if I was OK and I said that I was and thanked him, but as he left me, I stood there, still a bit thrown and a little unsure of if I was imagining it all, or if I had actually been healed. I didn’t want to say what had happened to anyone, in case my pastor heard and invited me to give my testimony the following week, and I’d have to get up and explain to the church, that I hadn’t been healed after all, that it had just been a fluke, or a misunderstanding on my part. However, as I left the church my nose was still clear. I couldn’t believe it. As we walked to the car, I told my wife what had happened, she asked if I had told anyone and I explained that I hadn’t, but that I would definitely say something the next week. I would give my testimony about how I had doubted the healing power of prayer, but despite that, God had healed my nose. As we drove home, I felt amazing, I was elated. I couldn’t believe what had happened to me, that I had actually experienced the healing power of the Holy Spirit. I felt humbled and in awe of the fact that God had wanted to heal me! As we drove though, I started to feel the familiar feeling of my nasal passage slowly beginning to block, and by the time we were home half an hour later, my nose was blocked again, and it never cleared in the same way after that.

 

A few weeks later I had the surgery and it was one of the worst experiences of my life. I had a huge anxiety attack a few days before the operation and had to be sent home from work, and then on the day of the surgery, I was last on the list, had several panic attacks as I was made to wait, and had to watch everyone go in before me, then return to the ward, passed out on trolleys with bloodied bandages around their faces. When it was my turn to go to surgery, I was barely able to walk as I was led to receive my anaesthetic, and the tears streamed out of my eyes, uncontrollably. I felt scared, but also ashamed and pathetic, because I just couldn’t escape the feeling of anxiety. None of my prayers, or the prayers that had been promised for me by friends, brought me any peace. I felt no assurance that I would be OK, the medical staff in attendance didn’t talk me through what was happening to put my mind at ease, and so part of me truly believed that I wouldn’t come back from the operation. But in the end, I was fine, I didn’t die, I didn’t wake up half way through the procedure, and the issue with my nose resolved.

 

I think most people would reasonably agree that the unblocking of my nose as I was being prayed for, was just a coincidence, it was never really a healing and just a bit weird, or maybe it was psychological, and my brain was playing a trick on me. It’s a stretch, but these things do happen. Something else did happen though, which is still confusing and mysterious to me.

 

When I was under general anesthetic having my operation, I had a dream about Jon Bon Jovi, and in the dream, he was singing his song, ‘Livin’ on a Prayer’. I hesitate to call it a vision, but it was exactly what I imagine a divine vision must be like. It was thoroughly vivid and I remembered it clearly. Not only did I have this vision, but when I came round from the anaesthetic, I was apparently filled with ecstatic joy and amazement, and was excitedly talking to the operating staff about it all, which is very unlike me. I’m not someone who is easily enthused or effusive, and I’m not someone who is often visibly excited or effervescent about things I’ve experienced. I don’t remember what I was saying or doing, all this was told to me later, but I do remember feeling euphoric, in a way I suppose you might feel if you’d had a religious experience or divine encounter.

 

Was this proof of God being present with me in that situation, and was it a message from God after all? Was God telling me that I was half way there, and that if I lived on prayer, then God would take my hand and I would “make it", just like Tommy and Gina hoped to “make it” in the song? Or was the song just playing on the radio in the operating theatre while I was under, and the ecstasy I felt when I came around, was a combination of whatever drugs I’d been given, and the realisation that I hadn’t died?

 

I think there are probably a lot of Christians who would say that my healing-not-healing experience, and my vision of Jon Bon Jovi, was God speaking to me. If they’re right, and it was God telling me to believe in the power of prayer, then it’s very weird and I’m not sure how I’d edit this story into a usable testimony that I could tell people in a church setting, with a narrative that would make sense. It doesn’t even make sense to me. If my healing-non-healing was God, then what was I meant to learn from it? Was God telling me that I could be healed and that I shouldn’t have doubted, or that I should’ve believed that I was worthy enough to be healed? If that was the case then why didn’t God just heal me and keep me healed, so that I would know that truth for certain? If God wanted me to know that healing was possible, then why take the healing away? Wouldn’t the story of a clear-cut healing be a better testimony of God’s goodness and character, than whatever it was that I experienced? I’ve never heard anyone give a testimony about God healing them, then immediately revoking the healing to make a point, which then resulted in the person suffering a huge amount of mental anguish. If someone gave that testimony to a group of non-Christians, I expect most of them would think God was being a bit petulant or mean, making someone believe they were healed when they weren’t, then making them go through a difficult, emotionally scarring, traumatic experience, just to prove a point.

 

Maybe God was speaking to me through the vision of Jon Bon Jovi, and that was the real point of what God was saying, he was saying that I wasn’t alone and telling me to persist in my prayer life and believe in prayer. If this was God speaking to me though, why wasn’t it a less ambiguous vision, and a message that would be more credible to other people, and that wouldn’t make me look like a mad liar? Why couldn’t God give me a vision of Jesus, or an angel, like normal people have?

 

I honestly don’t know what to make of the whole thing. I think it was probably coincidence and drugs, but I don’t really know and I still wonder about it. My nose was definitely cleared in a way I hadn’t experienced before, and it really did feel like it had been healed, but if it was God, then I don’t know what I’m meant to take away from the whole experience, apart from confusion. If it was God, then I’m not angry or resentful at him for doing half a job in healing me, and for allowing me to go through the mental anguish of surgery. I didn’t come away feeling any further from God because of it, I didn’t abandon my faith, but also, I don’t think I came any closer to God either, so, I don’t know.

 

 

Text taken from “Unanswerable: Exploring the Complexities of the Christian Faith and Biblical Truth”, which is available from Amazon, and from all good book shops. An audiobook is also available at https://mindmole.bandcamp.com/music